A woman who gave her biological son up for adoption years ago recently asked him to stop calling her “Mom.” The son, now an adult, had reconnected with her and wanted to build a relationship. But when he started calling her “Mom,” she felt uncomfortable and thought it was disrespectful to his adoptive mom.
When I was 40, I had a baby as a teenager and gave him up for adoption through an agency. The agreement allowed my son to contact me when he became an adult. 18 years later, I got a letter from him asking to meet. I agreed, and his adoptive mom brought him to see me. It was great meeting him, and we have kept in touch since then. I also let him meet my other kids, and they became close like brothers.
Recently, he started calling me “Mom,” which felt strange to me. I felt it was not right since his adoptive mom, who has been very supportive of our relationship, is his real mom. I explained my feelings to him about a week ago, and since then, I haven’t heard from him. We sometimes go without talking for a while, but I feel this silence is because he is upset, and I feel guilty about it.
He’s almost 23 now, and we met when he turned 18. He has never known me as his mom because I gave him up at birth, and his adoptive mom is his only mom. Giving him up was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. For those who think I rejected him, you don’t know what it was like. I chose his parents carefully through an agency because I wanted the best for him. He has had a wonderful life that I could never have provided as a teenager.
When he called me “Mom,” I didn’t just tell him not to. We had a conversation about it, and I explained why I was uncomfortable. He seemed to understand. He has never felt abandoned or rejected; his parents gave him a great life, and his desire to meet me was out of curiosity. He wondered how much of his personality came from me versus his upbringing. He was excited to meet his brothers since he’s an only child.
I don’t think he called me “Mom” because he felt a mother-son bond with me. He said he wanted to give me a title that was more meaningful, especially around his brothers. I told him he could just call me by my first name.
The story sparked mixed reactions but mostly positive.
- Reach out to your Son and ask if he is ok. Maybe clarify in writing that although you are his mother you don’t feel that you deserve the title of Mother or Mom. That you value your relationship.
- I feel you, I really do. but imagine hearing that from the same mom who put you up for adoption. adoptive kids already have to work through the identity issues and wonder why you gave them up. but then to meet and think things are great but uh don’t call me mom. ugh heartbreaking.
- We talk about adoption a lot, but usually from the pov of the adoptee. The parents who give their children up for adoption also go through emotional trauma as well. It sounds like you are trying to develop a relationship with your son that is healthy. For you, this might mean he needs to find another way to refer to you. You are not in the wrong to want this.
