Watching your parents age and need help is a normal part of life. The roles change, and the care they once gave you becomes your responsibility. But when a spouse is expected to take on this role instead of their own children, it brings extra difficulties.
This woman told her story on Reddit and asked for advice.
“My husband of 16 years asked if I’d care for his mother, but I said no. I explained why: we never got along, and she’s always been passive-aggressive toward me. It’s a common thing some mothers do when they feel no one is good enough for their child. We keep things civil, but that’s about it.
My husband brought up how he supported me when I cared for my dad with cancer. I told him it’s different because he volunteered, and I had other family helping me. He’s an only child, so I know most of the responsibility would fall on me. He works long hours, sometimes 12 to 18-hour days. Last week alone, he worked 84 hours.
I explained that I understand it might seem unfair, but my situation caring for my dad was different—I had support. Caring for his mom, I’d have almost no help. He offered to pay for extra support, but that would strain our budget. We’re saving for a house, and I’m in school working on my engineering degree after taking time off from teaching. After my dad passed, I didn’t want to go back to teaching.
After explaining all this, my husband left and hasn’t returned my calls. I talked to my mom, but she wasn’t much help; she thought going to school was silly in the first place. It made me wonder: am I wrong for not wanting to pause my own goals and life again for a sick parent?”
Here is what people had to say about this situation:
- “You are the caregiver in both scenarios. That is a heavy responsibility with lots of physical and emotional stress in the best of situations. Dad’s relationship was most likely a hell of a lot nicer than the passive-aggressive hate from MIL. Suggest to the husband that you can finish your degree and get a better-paying job that can ease burdens, time, and money so the husband can be a caregiver to his mom. He can cook, clean, change bedsheets, chauffeur, etc. Something makes me think he won’t be down with that.”
- “You should not have to care for his mother but you should also not stop him paying for care for his mother. You quit your job to take care of your father — that financially penalized your family (husband and you). He should have the same flexibility.”
- “No one should be forced to be a caregiver. Your husband could cut back on his work and take care of himself or organize something else for her care. You shouldn’t have to put your studies and life on hold. They should have had a plan for this in place a long time ago. Also, he helped out with your dad, he was not the principal caregiver. I’m sure that you would help out with his mom too, but you’re refusing to be the principal caregiver.”
- “I will say, if my husband supported me while I supported my dad, supported me while I went through a second degree because I didn’t like the first, and worked 80+ hours a week, I’d do whatever I could to support him. Whatever that looks like, whether it’s making him lunch, taking care of the things at home, or taking care of his elderly mom who has no one else. I’ve personally accepted that my mother-in-law will be in my care one day. It’s what we do for family. But I can understand your desire to do things for yourself, and not get lost in being a caretaker. It’s hard work and truly a labor of love. You quit your job to care for your father. You shouldn’t be so unsupportive of him wanting to financially care for his mom. If you don’t want to do it, fine, but don’t stop him from paying for proper care for her.”
