When faced with a sudden, emotional decision, even the most confident of us can feel doubt and guilt. This happened to one of our readers when her birth mother, whom she had never met, showed up at her door needing help. She made a tough choice that left her feeling guilty, and now she’s seeking advice on whether it was right.
Her biological mother gave her up right after she was born.
“My biological mom got pregnant when she was only 23. Her boyfriend left her right after she told him about the baby. She gave me up because she thought having a child outside of marriage would ruin her chances of marrying and having what she called a ‘real family.’
“The couple who adopted me were wonderful and loving. They raised me with all the care and support any child could ask for. When my adoptive mom told me the truth about my birth parents, I naturally wanted to connect with my birth mom. I called her one day to arrange a meeting so we could get to know each other. But she refused, saying she already had children and that since I had an adoptive mom, we should leave things as they were.”
“I was 30 years old when she showed up at my door, alone and homeless. I could hardly believe the frail woman standing before me, holding a worn-out bag, was the same person who had given me away.”
“Now, here she was, her eyes tired and pleading. ‘Amelia,’ she said, her voice breaking, ‘I know this is a lot to ask, but I have no one else. I’ve lost everything.'”
“I stood there, trying to understand the situation. The woman who had once let me go for her own future now had nowhere else to turn. I felt a mix of emotions — anger, confusion, and a sense of responsibility.”
“‘Why are you here?’ I finally asked, my voice colder than I meant it to be.”
“She took a deep breath and looked down at the ground. ‘My other children,’ she said softly, ‘but they’ve all left. They don’t want anything to do with me now that I need help. I thought if I could find you, maybe… maybe you’d understand.'”
“Her words hit me hard. Knowing she had other children who had turned away from her added another layer to my complex emotions. She continued, ‘I know I wasn’t there for you, but please, I’m desperate. I have nowhere else to go.'”
“I invited her inside, more out of shock than sympathy, and made her a cup of tea. We sat awkwardly in the small living room of my apartment, avoiding each other’s eyes.”
“‘Why did you give me up?’ I finally asked, needing to hear her side.
“Her hands shook as she held the warm cup. ‘I was young, scared, and alone. I thought I was doing the right thing for both of us. I wanted to marry and have a stable family, and I thought no man would want a woman with a child from another relationship. I thought you’d have a better chance with a family who could give you everything I couldn’t.’
“‘And did you?’ I asked sharply. ‘Did you get the family you wanted?'”
“Tears welled up in her eyes. ‘For a while, yes. I got married and had children, but things didn’t turn out as I hoped. My husband left, and I lost everything.'”
Amelia faced a tough moral dilemma: whether to help her mother or not.
“I could see regret on her face, but it didn’t ease my feelings. ‘So now you come to me, hoping I’ll do what? Take care of you because you have nowhere else?'”
“She nodded, desperation in her eyes. ‘I know I don’t deserve it. I know I shouldn’t ask, but I don’t know what else to do.'”
“I looked at her, a stranger who was also a part of me. Anger and hurt clashed with a reluctant compassion. I thought about my adoptive parents, who had taken me in and given me everything, and wondered what they would want me to do.”
“‘Stay here tonight,’ I finally said. ‘We’ll talk more in the morning.'”
“That night, as I lay in bed, I thought about the family I had grown up with and the one I never knew. The woman in the next room had made a decision that changed both our lives, and now, decades later, she was asking for my help.
“In the morning, as we sat at the breakfast table, I decided to give her a chance. I would help her with money and find her a place to stay, but I couldn’t let her stay in my home for my own well-being. Whatever our relationship became would take time and effort from both of us.”
“She looked at me with a mix of gratitude and guilt. ‘Thank you,’ she said quietly. ‘I know it’s not easy, and I don’t deserve your kindness.'”
“Despite feeling confident in my decision, I can’t shake the guilt of not letting her stay in my house. She offered to help with chores like cleaning and cooking, saying she wanted to make up for lost time. She asked about my life before we met. Overall, she seems lonely and eager to reconnect with me. But I can’t stop thinking that she left me and only came back when she needed help. I’d appreciate your advice on whether I did the right thing in this situation.”
