Divorce can reduce fights between parents, but it often puts a lot of stress on the kids, making them grow up too fast. Even after a divorce, kids still have their mom and dad. But when a new person joins the family, things change a lot.

A girl shared her story and asked for advice on whether she did the right thing.

“My parents divorced when my siblings and I were in middle school or high school. Now, we’re in our 20s. Dad got married again 2 years after the divorce. He met his new wife and married her in 6 months because she was planning to move back to her home state, and he didn’t want to do the long-distance thing.

We didn’t really know her when he told us they had eloped in Vegas. She thought we were all very close and was really disappointed when we didn’t react much to their news.

This made her jealous of my mom. She was jealous of how close we were with mom. Then she got jealous because we got along so well with mom’s partner (and we’re still close) even though mom and he never got married.

Dad’s wife started showing up to our school events and football games all dressed up, like she was going to a wedding or a red carpet event. She’d make snarky comments about supporting “her kids” while glaring at Mom.

She threw us big birthday parties, invited both families, and tried to dress us in matching outfits with her. It bothered her when we didn’t want to match. When my twin siblings turned 16, and my sister and Mom wore matching necklaces, Dad’s wife went home to change and wore the same color dress as my sister.

She acts like Mom is less than her because Mom isn’t remarried. She brags about having a ring and sharing our last name. We tolerate her, but we don’t like her, and if we could avoid her without losing Dad, we would.

I’m getting married, and so is my brother (one of the twins). We haven’t invited Dad’s wife to any wedding preparations, but we’ve included Mom. Dad’s wife is upset about it.

She asked my brother about it first, and he simply said no. Then she asked me, and when I told her she’s not included because her rivalry with Mom is pathetic, she said it was mean. She cried, saying all she’s ever wanted is to be our mom, but we treat Mom’s partner better than her.

Let’s see what people online think about this.

• “I wish stepparents would understand that the best thing they can do to help their new family is take a step back and give the kids space to spend time alone with their parent. You don’t become a mom by demanding to be a mom, you become a mom by putting the kids’ needs and wants before your own.

• “‘You can’t earn our love if you don’t earn our respect, and you won’t have our respect until you learn to respect our mother and her role, by learning to stay in your place and acknowledge that we are her children, not yours. Being married to our father matters to him, not to us. What matters to us is respect for our mother and our desires, and for many years you have showed neither.’ I’d answer something like this, and this is diplomatic me.”

• “This sounds so exhausting, and I’m sorry for you and your siblings. It also sounds like it has been a long time coming, and your father should have seen this behavior a LONG time ago and addressed it.”

• “Your brother has the right idea. No is a complete sentence. Do not feel compelled to explain your no in the future. Hope both you and your brother have wonderful weddings. Give your mom a huge hug for having class and style in dealing with your dad’s wife