People close to us often want the honor of being part of our wedding by giving a short speech. While these speeches are usually well-intentioned, even those with the best intentions can sometimes turn things upside down, making the moment about themselves instead.
He shared his story on the Internet.
My fiancée and I, both in our 20s, are getting married in a month. Now, there’s a problem with my dad, and he says I’m being unfair. I wanted to hear some other opinions on it. My dad decided to give a speech at our wedding without asking me first. He shared the speech with his sister, my aunt, who knew it would upset me and told me about it.
In his speech, he talks a lot about how his wife is the love of his life and how amazing she is. It’s very similar to a speech he gave at their vow renewal 10 years ago. He often tells me that he never loved anyone like he loves his current wife, including my mom, who was his first wife. My mom died when I was 8, leaving him a widower with a young son.
The vow renewal happened on my 18th birthday, and I had to listen to my dad talk about how my mom meant nothing compared to his new wife. They had been married for 8 years by then, and since many family and friends didn’t attend their original wedding, they decided to have a second celebration on my birthday.
My aunt read the speech and knew it was full of the same content. She knew I wouldn’t want to hear about how much he loves his wife on my wedding day, especially when it made it seem like my mom meant nothing to him.
I told my dad I knew about the speech and he couldn’t give it at my wedding. He asked why, and I explained that I didn’t want him to use my wedding to praise his wife. He said she means the world to us, and I told him she means the world to him, but my mom means the world to me. He accused me of being sensitive and said it seemed like I didn’t care about his wife, who raised me for 8 years. I told him she was never more than his wife to me.
My mom died when I was 8, and I didn’t get a new mom. The last thing I need to hear on my wedding day is how little she meant. Dad told me to be reasonable and said that parents usually give speeches at weddings. I told him that nothing he had to say belonged at my wedding. This is my wedding, not his. I told him to have another wedding if he wants to praise his wife, but it won’t happen at mine.
He told me to stop acting like a child and grow up. I left. Then his wife called, crying about the fight Dad and I had, which led to Dad calling me again and telling me to grow up.
What people had to say
- “I’d talk to his wife and explain the situation. I’d be mortified if I were her, and tell him to not mention me at all. But if she’s narcissistic (which would account for the dad’s irrational need to praise her [edit: also why there is no mention of your mother, and why they keep stealing the attention from your celebration days]) she’ll think you have the problem. And if that’s the case then you’re right to enforce no speech.
- She knows. She was crying on the phone at me because I didn’t want Dad to give the speech.
- “It’s your wedding. Your father is the one being insensitive here and ’acting like a little boy.’ Even if he had good intentions when he wrote the speech, your talk with him should have made it very clear that it would be inappropriate to say those things at your wedding. He needs to swallow his pride and accept that on your wedding day, everything should be focused on elevating you and your fiancé, not his wife, and certainly not on downplaying the importance of your mother.
